The Five Rs of Effective Apology

The Five Rs of Effective Apology

by John Kador

Effective apologies are as unique as the offenses that inspire them, but they all have, in varying degrees, five dimensions. You will easily remember them if you think of the five Rs of effective apology: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, Restitution and Repetition.

Recognition

Acknowledging the offense - establishes that an offense requiring apology has been committed. To the offender this step may seem as obvious as the offense itself, and therefore it may be tempting to just get through the apology or "get on with it." But more often than not, skipping the recognition step results in a statement that just compounds the offense because it leaves the victim uncertain whether the apologizer understands why the victim is so upset.

Responsibility

The key to effective apology is taking responsibility for your role in the consequences of your behavior.

What distinguishes effective from half-hearted apologies is the integrity that offenders demonstrate when they look deep into their hearts and reckon uncompromisingly with what they find there. In fearlessly pushing away all excuses, the apologizer retains undiluted responsibility.

Underlying it all is the intention that the offender values the relationship and desires to rebuild it on terms agreeable to the victim.

Remorse

Signals the offender's contrition. Remorse is the feeling that we get when we realize that something we did hurt someone, that it was wrong and that we wish we could undo what we did.

Because there is no way to know whether someone else is experiencing remorse, we rely on a variety of verbal and nonverbal cues. By far, the most important verbal cue, without which a statement falls short of being an actual apology, is the phrase, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize." Using the words, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize," is pretty much nonnegotiable. It is, in fact, the entire reason for the apology and without such an expression you may as well not bother with the apology at all.

Restitution

Is the practical attempt to restore the relationship to what it was before you broke it.

Effective apology is more than just words. You can't talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. For serious breaches, the offender must demonstrate a concrete expression of contrition. In other words, it must have some element of action.

Without restitution, it becomes more difficult for offended parties to accept an apology, however well crafted.

Repetition

Is a promise to the victim that the offender will not repeat the offense. A particularly effective phrase is a variant of, "I promise it will never happen again." It is often effective to end the apology with such a commitment; communication theory suggests that people remember best what they hear last.

[About the Author: John Kador is a frequent contributor to Human Resource Executive. He is the author of Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust (Berrett-Koehler, 2009).]