The Top Ten Laws of Parenting

The Top Ten Laws of Parenting

How to keep kids on track, out of trouble, and under control.

By Ruth Peters, Ph.D.

Introduction

Raising kids is challenging, and there's no shortage of advice on how to do it. No wonder many moms and dads are confused! But effective parenting is really pretty simple: You need to provide for your children, of course, but you also need to guide and protect them--at times even from their own poor judgment and lack of common sense. If you can do that, you'll turn your kids' behavior into what you've always hoped it would be and turn yourself into the kind of parent your kids deserve. You can start by following these laws of parenting that I've developed in my 25-year career as a family counselor.

 

1. The Law of Communication:

shut up and listen Here's how to set the stage for good communication, even if your kids seem to prefer grunting to conversation: Be an effective listener. This will help them open up and help you avoid lecturing, one of the most common mistakes of parent-child communication.

2. The Law of Involvement:

become a hands-on parent Wouldn't it be great if you could vaccinate your children against peer pressure, poor academic performance, negative behaviors like drug or alcohol abuse? You can. I've found that your best shot is to be involved with your kids--at home, in the neighborhood, and at school.

Laying down the law: Know who your kids hang out with and where they go. Stay in touch with their friends' parents. Have meals as a family, and encourage your kids to talk about what's going on in their lives. You don't need to be overly intrusive; your child needs freedom and opportunities to explore on his own when he's old enough to do so. But if you set reasonable guidelines for him from the start, you can trust him to do this wisely.

3. The Law of the Land:

establish a code of values If you believe that your kids will just naturally develop into good citizens or caring people, think again. Don't depend upon their peers, their schools, or the media to teach them how to behave. It's up to you to set the standards and to make clear what behaviors and character traits you think are important.

Laying down the law: You and your spouse should make a list of values, qualities, and behaviors that you want your children to have, such as honesty, politeness, kindness, and so on. Make another list of values you definitely don't want them to have. Discuss your ideas, and arrive at one list of positive values that you and your spouse agree on. As soon as your kids are old enough to understand, explain these values to them. Again. And again. In fact, it's a good idea to hold regular family meetings to review them.

4. The Law of Politeness:

insist on manners Does it really matter if your kids talk back, get a little snippy with you, or behave in an obnoxious way around adults? You bet it does. A child who never learns how to be polite will become a teenager who has trouble making friends and an adult who makes a poor impression. This advice might seem outdated, but there's no better way to help children make friends and influence people than to teach them good manners from the time they are young.

Laying down the law: Your children will need consistent reminders from you until magic words like "please," "thank you," and "excuse me" become second nature. It's important for you to use these respectful words and phrases regularly when talking with your kids.

5. The Law of Setting Limits:

embrace discipline--and use it! If the word discipline scares you, then you don't really understand what it's all about. Discipline is not abuse; it may not even involve punishment. And you'd better catch on quickly, since children who are raised without it are doomed to suffer lifelong consequences. Done well, discipline will help your child grow into a self-confident, successful adult. Done poorly, or not at all . . . well, I don't even want to go there!

Laying down the law: Make sure that your children are raised in a household where clear limits are set and consequences are consistent and fair. Talk to your children frequently about how you expect them to behave. Then hold them to the standards you set. Not only will your life be more organized and fulfilled, but your children will appreciate your efforts in the long run.

6. The Law of Trusting Your Instincts:

don't cave in to other families' rules Sure, you wouldn't jump off a bridge just because your neighbor did, but would you live by someone else's rules just because your kids want you to or because you're too embarrassed to disagree? That's what you may be doing if you're caving in to other families' rules and standards. Learn how to take the rap gracefully for being a bit overprotective. Remember, the old adage is still true: Better safe than sorry.

Laying down the law: Make sure your child understands the rules of your family and knows she is expected to follow them--or to call you if she's in a situation where she can't. Also, try to get to know your child's friends and their parents so you can learn if they share your values.

7. The Law of the Praise Junkie:

make praise appropriate, not addictive Praise is like frosting on a cake: A little makes it taste better, and too much will ruin everything. Kids need your encouragement, and they love it when you recognize their accomplishments. Just don't ruin their trust by leading them to believe that every little thing they do is worthy of complete and total adoration. When they find out otherwise, they'll be crushed and will probably blame you for making them so needy of approval.

Laying down the law: Praise often, but don't overdo it. Too much tends to water down the effectiveness and purpose of complimenting. If you want your kids to trust and believe in you, you have to be believable.

8. The Law of Bickering:

squelch sibling squabbles Yes, it's normal for brothers and sisters to tease, spar, and taunt each other. But that doesn't mean they have to do so at your expense. Put a stop to this nonsense immediately by reminding your children that such behavior is unacceptable. Teach your kids how to communicate with one another using civil words, rather than fists, taunts, or verbal attacks.

Laying down the law: Try to catch yourself asking, "Who started it?" It really doesn't matter, and kids will probably blame each other anyway. If you stay out of the way, many children will resolve the problem, ignore it, or go to their room for some quiet time. Work on helping your kids develop skills that will help them get along with each other and with others. Teach them to listen and not be defensive, as well as how to agree to disagree.

9. The Law of Authority:

appoint yourself benevolent dictator Families are not democracies. Children's judgment can be immature, unreasonable, and self-serving. If you're not making the decisions or are letting the kids bulldoze you into doing things their way against your better judgment, then you are depriving your kids of leadership. It's time for a new form of governance, one that couldn't be simpler: You have the final vote. Period.

Laying down the law: You can be compassionate but still be in charge. Give all family members a vote--but not necessarily an equal one. (Be sure to listen to your child's point of view to show that you respect his opinion.) If a compromise can't be reached, Mom and Dad get to make the final decision. If the kids understand this from the start, they'll accept and respect this process.

10. The Law of Winning the War:

pick your battles wisely Do you feel like you're always engaged in a struggle with your children? You may be trying to win every battle instead of picking the really crucial ones. Learn to choose what's important and when you can let go. Trust your instincts--and your kids.

Laying down the law: Take a good look at your children, and decide when you can rely on their judgment. On issues where you have doubts, stay involved and continue to call the shots. But if you can trust kids to make reasonably sound decisions on their own, back off. If you choose your battles carefully, your kids will listen better when you lay down the law on the big stuff. If you're always on their case, your children will resent you--and tune out.